You don’t have to agree with someone’s politics to appreciate their writing. Roald Dahl was a terrible, antisemitic man, but he came up with a story about four grandparents who stay in bed 24/7 that gives us all something to aspire to.
So I was intrigued to find out that Donald Trump’s choice for FBI director, Kash Patel, wrote a trilogy of thinly veiled political children’s books called The Plot Against the King. The King is – you guessed it – Trump. And the plot? Well, we’ll get there.
The first in the series seemed like a great place to dig in, since political children’s books are kind of my thing. As a writer at Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, I wrote a book called A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo about Mike Pence’s family bunny. In the book, Marlon falls in love with another boy bunny and fights a homophobic Stink Bug. I’ve also written about a snail treated poorly when he immigrates to a new forest, and some otters named Duffles and Nudge who learn to vote.
A little on-the-nose? Definitely. So I came into Patel’s equally on-the-nose book with an open mind. But I can’t put off saying it any longer: this book is bad.
I’m not insulting it because I think Patel would make a bad FBI director (I do think that!). I am judging this children’s book purely on the merits of children’s books – separating the art from the artist, even though unfortunately I’m not sure either of those nouns apply here.
Now is it smart for me to review a book by a man who keeps a list of enemies and may soon control federal law enforcement? It is not. So let’s start with positives:
-
The illustrations by Laura Vincent are brightly colored, skillful and child-friendly. Sure there is a drawing of “Hillary Queenton” that looks like the assignment was “Draw Christine Baranski six minutes after she was attacked by bees.” But even that one is a joy in its own way!
-
Every so often there’s a turn of phrase that’s silly in exactly the way a kids’ book should be. A duke refers to “terrible, tragical, tangle-full rumors”, which is so much fun to say. Picture books are designed to be read aloud and, much like food or wine, they need a good mouthfeel. At its best, you get that in Patel’s writing.
Now … everything else.
Unless you’ve been in a coma since 2015, you already know the story in The Plot Against The King. It’s on Fox News approximately 26 times a day. But here’s a taste:
The book begins on Choosing day – the day when “the whole land gathered at the castle to choose the next ruler of the kingdom”. I’ll just throw out there that if you want to write a children’s book about an election, maybe don’t SET IT IN A MONARCHY.
Kings aren’t elected! Ask anyone over the age of four and they will tell you that kings are the ultimate nepo-babies.
The candidates are “merchant” Donald Trump and a woman named Hillary Queenton. When Trump pulls out a surprise victory, the local heralds – with banners subtly labeled NYT, CNN, and The Post – claim Donald cheated.
Their argument? Trump conspired with the “Russionians” – an allegation the heralds learned from a paper that Queenton’s “sneaky slugs” slid into a “steel box”. This all makes complete sense in a children’s book, because everyone knows toddlers are super into alphabet blocks, honk-honk trucks and the intricacies of the Steele Dossier. If you want your tot to fully understand this story, I hope little Kinsley or Brayden spends a lot of time on Truth Social.
Needless to say, there’s only one person who can save Donald Trump and the entire kingdom – a wizard named Kash. Go figure.
Now to be fair, plot is rarely the point in kids’ books. The great ones involve pigeons driving buses, a hatred of unnaturally-colored eggs and ham or detailed lists of who poops (everyone!) It’s the writing that matters.
Patel’s writing is mostly competent, but inartful. The sentences are long for picture books (or possibly graduate dissertations) so it’s a lot for parents to read aloud. For example:
“But all these quests had been easy for Kash, and as the sun rose and set over the Land of the Free, Kash found himself in grave danger, not of trolls or ogres, but of getting bored.”
Thirty-seven words! Only eight fewer words than the entire first amendment – the very one I’ll cite when I get arrested by the FBI for this review. There are some glimmers of fun for kids here, but there’s also a lot of clunk.
All that said, I know I’m not the audience for this story. I’m not sure your kids are either. If you’re wondering who this book is for, think, “Who is someone with the mind of a child who wants to hear stories about how Donald Trump is handsome, smart, and right about everything?”
The Plot Against the King was written for an audience of one: King Donald Trump. And since that King is nominating Kash the wizard to head a federal organization, this book was a great success for Kash Patel.
For the rest of us? Not so much.
